On Swanston St, i saw her again for the first time since the everything kinda unravelled. We walked by one another, like strangers. I’d like to say i was surprised that it was as cold as it was. But I’m not, because we talked about this day when we were still going out. The day we’d see one another in public and no longer acknowledge one another. I’m pretty sure she saw me. I have no idea what went through her head. What i do know is that i felt exactly what i said i’d feel those many months ago. I’m just happy that she looks well. Closing doors opening new windows sort of feeling. A clean cut if ever i saw one.
The rain reminds me of the times we used to sit in the car in empty car parks and just chat. Sometimes making love, but mostly chatting, about our goal, fears, our lives. We shared many hugs, had many fights, and made up many times. The rain, reminds me of us.
The sun reminds me of the times i pretended I was somehow involved with the whole thing, just to make you giggle. I could see, deep down, you were starting to believe my Sun No Jutsu was actually real. When in actual fact you made my day a little more sunny. When we used to use the weather as an excuse to skip our lectures to go on adventures to places where everybody was a stranger. I miss being a stranger with you. The sun, reminds me of us.
If you’re really set on finding a life partner pick somebody that takes your breathe away. Don’t settle for half measures. Because at the end of the day you’re gonna see that face every morning when you wake up, FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
“Like fools, you always only looked at me
And I only looked at you so we didn’t look ahead
In front of us are different roads but we just found out that we can’t turn things around”—Shinee - Better Off
At the beginning of the end I developed a result which I desired to achieve. I factored myself and my characteristics under certain circumstances into the equation. I planned to beat myself. I knew I’d come back to the debris of the relationship to look for pieces. But I planned for nobody to be there waiting for me.
At the start my plan was for her to hate me, no ifs no buts. Thats why I picked a rebound that she’d have to see quite often. Even if i hated the result I only have myself to blame.
Its been quite an unlucky day, physically and emotionally.
Last night I got crunched in a tackle. Drove myself to the emergency room as a precaution, and got told it was dislocated (my left knee). I’m a left footed player. I was then referred to a physio today. I went in expecting the worst, and thats what i got, well it was actually somewhat worse than what i thought was the worst. I thought it was just going to be uncomfortable to run with. But he told me if it gets dislocated again i’ll walk with a permanent limp, and i can say goodbye to any intense physical activity. I’m not going to stop playing, even with that risk, because playing football makes me happy. I’ll buy a knee brace.
Emotionally its been difficult too. Its a long story, but the bottom line is the girl i love hates my guts. Don’t really wanna evaluate on it.
So yeah, pretty unlucky friday the 13th.
"If you ride like lighting, you crash like thunder"
After reading a novel i found hidden on a book shelve at my home, i came to the conclusion that peter and i share the same prerogative.
I don’t know how the book made its way onto my shelve but now i find it lingering on my mind. Whether it were coincidence, chance or fate. after friday nights shenanigans it feels slightly familiar.
Peter is the boy who wouldn’t grow up. Is mischievous and active, with a full set of teeth. He floats down to the Darling family window at night to listen to bed time stories.
Hes in love with a girl named Wendy Darling. From my interpretation its a different sort of love. On one hand she becomes the ‘mother’ of the lost boys, and also the ‘mother’ of peter, but in some parts of the book he plays the ‘father’ indicating that in fact their bond is quite deep. I’d go as far to say, that if Wendy didn’t have to return to her home they would have married.
But alas heres the prerogative. We’ll both never grow old, Wendy moves on with life, and peter finds himself floating around her window at night. Because he misses everything she brought to his life. An excitement but also a stability in his heart. Somebody he could take to his own world, and share the wonders of Neverland with.
I shared a Neverland once. Now my Wendy has gone too, to grow old and marry. Have kids and read to them stories of Peterpan and the lost boys. And like peter my shadow has run away, and is always with my wendy. I’ll float down from time to time to see her. But from a distance.
Expectation: I fell deeply in love with her, she fell deeply in love with me.
Reality (that a friend told me): i fell deeply in love with her, she still can’t get over handry till today.
Expectation: In the silence of separation shes still on my mind and I’m still on hers.
Reality: In the silence of separation shes still on my mind. And shes thinking of handry.
The day our mutual friend told me the reality it broke my heart, finding out that what i felt all this time was exclusively designated to me. But thats when i realised, I still love her, whether I’m first, second, third, millionth on her mind, it doesn’t change the way I fell for her. And the moments meant something to me.
“I was a killer, was the best they’d ever seen
I’d steal your heart before you ever heard a thing
I’m an assassin and I had a job to do
Little did I know that girl was an assassin too”—Assassin - John Mayer
“Does god answer you directly when you speak to him? Does you country love you back when you love her? Some times you don’t need any acknowledgement to be madly in love with somebody. It is possible to love in silence.”—
“I want to apologise, I’ve lied to you all throughout my time of being with you. Knowing our situation i told you i would be able to walk away when the time came. Here sits my lie, i can’t stop loving you…”—
We as humans, consciously or unconsciously all strive for the same thing. The thing that we all have in common is the desire for ‘freedom’.
Freedom may be for me totally different to freedom for somebody else. Slaves dream of freedom from their masters, journalist bang on about freedom of speech, the poor, well all they hope for is a few funds to be freed up to put some food on tonights dinner table.
But for me, the freedom i long for, is the freedom to love who i want to love. Without disappointing, without offending , without question and without thought. The love which is spectacular. The love young men and women feel in the summer of their lives, and old men and women still feel in the winters of theirs.
The love where you’re able to sit in your car looking at the stars listening to music not saying a word. The love where you know what to tell the waiter to leave off the order you’ve just placed because you know your partner so well. The love where you call, right at the very moment she needs somebody to talk to.
Without freedom, this sweet love caramelises into something quite bitter. Without freedom, this love dies the worst death.
I know this love because I’ve felt it. I know this love because I was never free.
So in this life or the next, i pray for freedom. Freedom is all a man needs